Sunday, May 15, 2011


Dear New Albany & American Liberals, Leftists, Social Progressives, Socialists, and Marxists:

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms.

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but we are sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

After that, it should be relatively easy!

Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We conservatives don't like redistributive taxes so you liberals can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU!

Since you liberals hate guns and war, we conservatives will take our firearms, the NRA and the military.

You liberals can keep Obama, Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell.

We'll keep capitalism, pharmaceutical companies and Wal-mart. You liberals can have your beloved greedy corporations, Wall Street, Homeboys and Illegal Aliens.

We'll keep Evan Bayh, Hillary Clinton, Ed Clere, Steve Price, King Larry, Fox News, the Alaskan hockey moms, and the bible, and give you Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Doug England, Roger Baylor, Shane Gibson, MSNBC, NBC, the New Albany Tribune and Hollywood.

You liberals can make nice with Iran and Palestine and bow an apologize to other countries and we conservatives will retain the right to pray, honor the 10 Commandments, invade and hammer places that threaten us.

We'll keep our Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Humanism and Shirley McCain. You liberals can also have the U.N. but we conservatives will NO longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, Honda's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru wagon, and bicycle you can find.

We conservatives will "drill baby drill" and you liberals can keep your Cap and Trade, your Electric Cars, and your Green Jobs.

You liberals can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We conservatives believe healthcare is a luxury and NOT a right.
We conservatives will keep the Battle Hymn of the Republic and our National Anthem. We are sure you liberals will be happy to substitute them with:

* I'd like to Teach the World to Sing
* Kum Ba Ya
* We Are the World

We conservatives will practice trickle down economics and you liberals can give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it so often offends you liberals, we conservatives will keep our history, our name and our flag!

We will bet you which one of us will need whose help in 15 years...

Freedom Of Speech Staff